i should have kissed you by the water

I adjusted the brightness between us. Our contrast was already enough. The black and white was strangely complementary. But when we blurred the lines, high on things we weren’t supposed to do and lovedrunk on a future we knew we would never see, that was when it all smeared into a doubtful grey. Every morning after we would stumble away in opposite directions, stinking and hungover, squinting in the sunlight we wished away so we could do it all again.

I will never forget that place. I will never forget the balcony that overlooked a busy street where people laughed, danced, broke up, fed the diseases they never knew they had until one day they simply died, premature and unprepared to let go. I forget the songs that played, but I remember I liked the music. I forget how much the drinks and the drugs cost, but I remember I bought plenty. I remember running home at sunrise, keeping in the shallow waves so as not to leave footprints, convinced someone was following me.

It was you, wasn’t it? You followed me to the ends of the earth. Even when I disappeared silently for months, you followed me to nowhere and back. But I wish you had told me. I wish you had given me hope this was both good and true, and real enough to survive. But I was too busy screaming at you for not noticing that I had left to hear you calling my name.
Eventually, we both left that place. We had our last drink, paid our debt and walked out. I dared not turn around, scared the last glance would leave me petrified, unable to move a step forward but knowing I could never go back.

It’s all my fault. I know that. I’m just letting you know that I still remember everything.