i'm on call to be there

I got in the car and drove. I could probably have walked, but I promised myself it was too dangerous in this town, this day and age. I turned the heater up, turned the music down and shivered in silence at the intersection as I waited for everything to grow slowly warm. The hot air seeped into my shoes and my sleeves like warm breath, comforting me with whispers of something we called 'future'.

I drove, and thought of you. I pretended I was driving to you.

Someday I will.

You, my beginning.

You, the one who will journey alongside me.

You, my end.

You, my future. My destination.

lipstick letters and souvenirs

I sit on a hill looking in all directions at everything that turns out to be nothing in particular. I have forgotten how to begin a letter formally, but I am sure you will forgive me.

I walked until I was sure I was lost. I walked to the place I always go when I’m lonely and want to be alone. I lit a cigarette, because I gave up smoking on Sundays.
I want to stay here until I get caught in the rain. But I shouldn’t wait for it to happen, so I think I'll find my way back now.

Sometimes you’ll stumble in the soft sand. Perhaps then it is better to walk on the hard ground. It is, after all, more stable.
I lie when I say I do not doubt. I fear, and I hesitate. I may not always inspect my landing before I jump, but I often look back and catch my breath thinking it a miracle I did not fall to my death.
So let’s not doubt. Let’s hold hands, and push our fears aside as we jump. If we fall, at least we’ll have another to hold onto.
Let’s pack our burdens together and walk to somewhere we have never been before. Let’s be scared together, until we are no longer scared at all.
Let’s find ourselves as we discover one another while get lost on our road to abandoning ‘I’ for ‘we’.

how should i complete the wall...

I just realised I forgot to pack socks. Could I borrow yours? Just to wear in the morning, when I sneak downstairs to make you coffee. You know how cold those floors get in winter.
And could I maybe wear your jersey too? You know how I love the smell of you on me. And you know how cold it gets...
Pass me your lighter, please. I can’t find mine.
I ran out of soap. Is it alright if I use yours? And perhaps you could slide in behind me, wash my back? There are places I could never reach without your help.
Have as many of my cigarettes as you like.
I can’t remember where I put my book. Would you read me some of yours? I’ll drift off to sleep, I’m sure, but I will sleep all the better for the sound of your voice.
Let’s listen to your music. I could do with some change.
I prefer it when you cook. But I’ll wash the dishes when we’re done.
If you would wrap me up in your arms, that would be nice.
I’m not very big, so perhaps you could make some space for me. But I’ll always put a question mark at the end, in case you say no.
But maybe you would say yes. And maybe we could make some more space. And maybe someday we could melt into one another’s negative spaces. And maybe we could see sense, and someday live together.
I made dinner.
I made space for you here.

silence was insane, the parting was mutual

‘There’s a dead horse in the road’.

The little boy looked down, mumbling, a dirty finger pointing me down a road I hadn’t even noticed when we drove past it. I cursed under my breath, bit into another cigarette as I fumbled for matches, scrutinising the filthy child through my eyebrows as I lit what must have been my thirtieth for the day. It wasn’t even noon yet. I flicked the match carelessly onto the hot tar road, inhaled deeply and blew the smoke into words of exasperation. I knew I would have to do something.

‘Show me then’. I pulled my hand away as he reached out to hold it.

She wasn’t dead, but she was certainly dying. I ignored the bulging stomach, convincing myself it was no more than a grass belly. It took one look to see that her back had been broken. Snapped in half, and twisted beyond repair as the truck that hit her dragged her behind it until the flesh tore away and the join came undone. A truck, yes. The tyre marks were enough evidence, and nothing smaller could have done this kind of damage. But the person who had done it wasn’t a monster. He, perhaps she, had gotten out, dragged the heaving horse to the side of the road, flung her front legs out of the way of any vehicles that would be using that road. And then he, or she, drove off in a hurry so as to leave the guilt in the dust, leaving the mare to slowly bleed out until the blood flooded her and she couldn’t even breathe deeply enough to feel the pain.

In my ten minutes of staring at the dying creature the little boy had run off somewhere. But now he returned, walked alongside a local guard of sorts. Hand pressed to my forehead, pounding from the heat and disgust, I told him to take care of it. But he refused. I looked up from underneath my fingers’ vain attempt at shading my eyes, sure I had misheard him. But no, he was adamant that this was one thing he would not do.

Another ten minutes must have passed. I stood, feet planted firmly and sure I could feel the tar burning me even through my leather boots. The guard’s gun hung at my side, limp metal and nothing more. I walked forward, the heat stifling the sound of my heavy footsteps. Knelt, stroked the muzzle and startled when the mare snapped out of slipping away slowly. She snorted, pained by jerking her head in surprise. I felt guilty for causing her even more pain, when all I wanted was for her to know that there was someone next to her. Someone who would never have killed her, much less left her to die so slowly.

The method was simple, and I remembered it despite always believing I would never have to use it. Base of the ear, to opposite eye. Base of the ear, to opposite eye. And where those two lines crossed, that marked the spot. The mare moved her head, breathing heavily into my hand. I couldn’t bear the thought of her open eyes flitting left and right, settling upon me as I pressed against the centre of the hand-drawn X. Removing the long-sleeved shirt I had tied around my waist, I wrapped it around her face, re-marking my lines on the material. I whispered something as I took a step back, but I never could remember what I had said. It didn’t matter, anyway. I cannot remember whether I had stoop up, bent over, knelt or squatted before her. But I remember the sound of that shot. Heat couldn’t stifle it, and it echoed down every road I had never noticed was there.

I gasped at the sound, the kick, what I had done and what it meant. Before me, there was no movement. To my right, the little boy stood with his hands planted firmly over his ears. He stared at me, wide-eyed and unmoving. I exhaled slowly, and searched my pockets for another cigarette as I heaved to my feet. There were none left. I bent down to take my shirt, changing my mind as I saw a slow stain seeping into it from the horse’s mouth.

I turned around, shooed the boy home, and walked back up the road. Twenty minutes, one deed, one death. No cigarettes though, and I cursed under my breath.

i should have kissed you by the water

I adjusted the brightness between us. Our contrast was already enough. The black and white was strangely complementary. But when we blurred the lines, high on things we weren’t supposed to do and lovedrunk on a future we knew we would never see, that was when it all smeared into a doubtful grey. Every morning after we would stumble away in opposite directions, stinking and hungover, squinting in the sunlight we wished away so we could do it all again.

I will never forget that place. I will never forget the balcony that overlooked a busy street where people laughed, danced, broke up, fed the diseases they never knew they had until one day they simply died, premature and unprepared to let go. I forget the songs that played, but I remember I liked the music. I forget how much the drinks and the drugs cost, but I remember I bought plenty. I remember running home at sunrise, keeping in the shallow waves so as not to leave footprints, convinced someone was following me.

It was you, wasn’t it? You followed me to the ends of the earth. Even when I disappeared silently for months, you followed me to nowhere and back. But I wish you had told me. I wish you had given me hope this was both good and true, and real enough to survive. But I was too busy screaming at you for not noticing that I had left to hear you calling my name.
Eventually, we both left that place. We had our last drink, paid our debt and walked out. I dared not turn around, scared the last glance would leave me petrified, unable to move a step forward but knowing I could never go back.

It’s all my fault. I know that. I’m just letting you know that I still remember everything.