i'm not okay, i promise

I never thought I would cry when I first saw you again.
But I did. Unashamedly and without knowing why, I told everyone what our silence was about.
And I cannot stand this deafening silence, nor the sight of you, tearing the tangled sinews and veins ridden with blood red grief right out of me.
I wanted to fall down on my knees and scream at you, and beg whoever was listening for an answer.
Down on my knees on the broken brick road that led me nowhere,
the yellow stains on my finger nails spoke of the bad decisions I blamed on you.
I didn’t even know if it was tears or rain, but my knees were weak with walking, even when you held my hand.

So here we stand, miles apart. But I can smell your breath on me all the time,
And the cigarettes all taste like you.
Here we stand, between one end and whatever happens next.
Here we stand, not knowing how to step forward, wanting to fall backwards and float away into nothingness.
But maybe I would rather feel pain than to feel nothing at all, because to me the opposite of love was never hate, but indifference.
I stood in the rain and watched you leave under that wholly unromantic half moon, and I remembered everything.
I am yellow. I am branded a coward in my own eyes.
A streetcar named me Liar.