A tube station, in any city. At the back of the stage, leaning against a wall, there are two beggars. One has his head against the wall, chin tilted up and mouth open, sleeping. The other is lying on his back, holding a paper cup. Overhead there are muffled sounds of the station: people talking, the sound of the tube, overheard announcements and footsteps. These begin quite loudly, and then gradually fade to a more hushed noise. In the centre of the stage is a bench. On it lies a girl, seemingly sleeping. She is lying in the foetal position, stirs slightly now and then but otherwise remains still. Her back is turned to the audience. She wears dark, loose-fitting winter clothing. By her side, on the ground, is a small canvas bag and a teacup made of glass. It is half-filled with a clear liquid. When the noise quietens down, a screen switches on, taking up all of the back wall of the stage. The image is of poor quality, giving the sense that it is seen by webcam. It is of a radio presenter, hosting a show that is mostly an interactive discussion with listeners, but also plays music. Though he is looking at the audience, one gets the sense that he is unaware of the mechanism ‘filming’ him. Behind him one sees a few Christmas decorations in the studio. An upbeat Christmas carol fades out and behind him a red light comes on. It reads ‘on air’.
Chris: That was ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ taking us into the second hour of the show. It is five minutes after eight and you’re with me Chris Mason on Talk Tonight. We’re taking calls now and finding out what you are doing on this Christmas Eve are you happy or maybe you’re sad and if that’s the case we want to make you better.
[connects a telephone line] Talk to me you’re on Talk Tonight!
[Every time the show title is mentioned, a short jingle of four notes rings out.]
Caller [female]: Hi, Chris! I just want to say I love the show.
Chris: [chuckling] Why thank you ma’am you sound in good spirits what are you doing for Christmas Eve?
Caller: I’m at home with my husband and my two children, and I just want to say that, Derek, Stephy and Andy, I love you all very much, and thank you for everything.
Chris: Lovely well it sounds like you are having a splendid time and I hope it continues so for the rest of the festive season. [looks down and presses two buttons] Talk to me you’re on Talk Tonight!
Caller II [male]: Hey, Chris, my man! How are you tonight? My name is Rob!
Chris: Nice to meet you Rob you sound like you’re in a good mood what are you doing tonight?
Caller II: I’m back at home now. My girlfriend and I just had dinner with my folks and now I’m off to the bedroom to unwrap my present...
Chris: Sounds like that could get dirty you kids have fun then and remember to stay safe. [presses the two buttons again] Talk to me you’re on Talk Tonight!
Caller III [female]: [softly] Hello?
Chris: Why hello there young lady who may we say is calling and what are you doing on this fine Christmas Eve?
Caller III: How can you be so sure that I am young? And why is my name of any consequence to you? You will forget it as soon as it leaves my lips.
Chris: Ooh a feisty one we have here so what are you doing on this Christmas eve’ which special people are you sharing it with?
Caller III: Actually, I’m alone.
Chris: Well that’s no good now!
Caller III: Isn’t it better to be alone, than to keep company for the sake of avoiding solitude? To share in loneliness does not negate loneliness necessarily. People have long outgrown being herd animals. We have long outgrown being animals, and even sex isn’t supposed to be had on two legs. The only action carried out better on two legs not four is acting. I’ll choose solitude over headaches, thank you.
Chris: And judging by the festivities going on around town there will be many headaches in the morning!
[Three young boys walk past. They were loose clothing and hoods covering most of their faces. One of them is carrying a music player, which plays a hip-hop track that can be faintly heard. They stop behind and to the left of the bench, facing the crowd, whispering to one another. One walks around the bench, peering first at the girl and then at her bag. He looks right suddenly with a slight start as if hearing a noise. He beckons to the others and they exit at the side they entered]
So what do you want to talk about then I know elections have been just been so why don’t you tell us did you vote?
Caller III: No.
Chris: Well that’s no good now and why not?
Caller III: Well, why should I vote? Yes, I agree that participating in politics is to an extent a civil duty, the involvement supposedly turning us into ‘sophisticated citizens’. But it is also a decision, one that needs to be informed. So many people vote for the sake of voting, and we end up choosing the party we disagree with least and cross off all the rest. We can’t find a party we agree with most, and yet we still vote. Why? Because we are that way programmed and it very conveniently puts in the position where we can complain about everything that is not to our liking, justifying our passive aggressiveness by the fact that we did our civil duty! The democrats are a combination of the old totalitarians who, despite all denial, remain racist and terrified of the majority. The majority must rule, and no reasoning can justify anything else. The freedom fighters once stood for something honourable, their cause ridden with corruption and driven by a myriad of individuals striving only to further their own interest. And communism is an ideal, an absolute. It does not exist and it never will, so why vote for a fantasy that will always remain suspended in that state?
[Throughout all of this, Chris keeps opening his mouth in an attempt to interrupt and make a point. Later, he glances continually at papers before him and his wristwatch, then tries to interrupt as if in an attempt to end the call altogether. However, he does not succeed. Towards the end of the speech he simply listens, becoming more shocked and dismayed by the onslaught of words from the anonymous caller.]
So, really, what is the point of it all? In fact, what is the point of anything at all? I am not angry because I am alone, so you can forget about throwing about your chauvinistic pseudo-concern and suggestions that I need a boyfriend. I am perfectly happy alone and perhaps not all of us need to get married and have children! I mean, the world is overpopulated as it is! Global warming and all of the environmental scares- we have it all wrong! It’s not the end of the Earth, it’s the end of humankind. Remember, the Earth has been through ice ages and the coming of Christ. So don’t save the planet! Save the human. Or better, don’t. Why not leave us to our own devices and watch as our wasteful lifestyles blow up in our beautiful faces? What is the point of it all? We get up, we drive to work to pay for our car, we pay for our car to drive to work. We get married and put bread on the table for someone we never really chose, and we have to not only have children, but love them too. What if they are truly stupid or ugly or just plain mean-spirited? I know you’re shocked. Because many people are thinking it, but few will stand up and say it. The truth is there is no truth, and if the purpose of life is not to make ourselves happy we have denied all reason and we are simply heading toward the end of an era of human rule.
[The girl on the bench rolls over and stands up, holding a cellphone to her ear. The caller’s voice now comes from her, not a telephonic voiceover. She assumes a strong stance, her voice raised but not quite shouting.]
So there’s your Christmas message: like this holiday, and your mindless talkshow I so mindlessly dialled, nothing has any purpose and even if it does, we have missed it entirely. So kiss your loved ones like you mean it, and tell them how you feel it. They might die tomorrow, and you might too! Merry Christmas, and to all a good night.
[The screen flickers and blacks out and a call-ended dial tone is heard. The girl looks at ther cellphone, then puts it in her pocket. She glances over her shoulder, then collects her bag, exiting stage right. As she begins to walk out, Oasis’ ‘Talk Tonight’ is heard overheard. The song plays right through. When it stops, the station noises are heard faintly, the volume increasing gradually. Lights out, and over the station noises a clock strikes nine times.]
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