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I meant when I said I love you. But in the moment I said I hate you, I meant it too.
I hate every single one of you who made promises, who made me feel safe and happy and secure. For making me feel better after crying, for making me feel dead after goodbye.
My fear is that, bit by bit, I give myself to people. And people always leave. But they leave with that piece in their pocket. And eventually, I will having nothing left. I will have nothing left to give to the person who deserves everything.
Do not wonder why I hate you. Do not wonder why I walk away when I see you, why I stop breathing when I think of you. I loved you, I love you, but it seems you've all thrown me away.
My tears always came more slowly than the words, the thoughts and the actions.
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"Time takes care of the wound, so I can believe.
ReplyDeleteYou had so much to give, you thought I couldn't see..."
There is a part of me that wishes you could have whispered this to me in secret, instead of speaking it to the world.
Then again, there is many a time I whispered, “I love you”, when I should have shouted it for all to hear.
I do not hate you, though I respect that you have to say it. I love you, have done so since the moment I saw you about to say the same and realised I could give voice to my feelings.
There are times I hate myself though, and my inability to properly keep the promises I made you, to trust in the ones you made me.
If I have a piece of you, I do not know whether to treasure or return it… but I hear what you say, and can only think that I wish I was the one who deserved everything.
I have not thrown you away… I have just come to realise that what we were building had cracks, and that those cracks are not for me to assign as blame to one or the other. I can only see that what responsibility I can take, I should take… there was a weakness in the foundations, regardless of the other factors, that was simply my own. I hope to fix that…
I find reason and hope in other connections to your writing, stemming from here, such as these views on love (http://misplacedfriend.blogspot.com/2010/02/love.html) and these on past promises (http://pleasefindthis.blogspot.com/2010/02/memento-of-past-promises.html ). I want to complete myself. I need to be reminded.
I am sorry for your tears. I have my own. Know that you are a light on the horizon to me, of sorts. Make of it what you will, but know that I will understand if you need to hide that light from me. For now it helps to know that it is there.
you always talked like you and codename mm were so grown up and would be together forever. did you believe it? did you believe it in the desperate way that people believe things when they're about to die?
ReplyDeletei believed you. and the way you spoke about him here, the way you were making yourself vulnerable, shit, i'm devastated it ended.
i hardly realised it had ended. i had to go back and reread your posts.
i think he is also a reader here, or you would have written more here about how much it hurt.
of course he would be a reader here. you'd let him in, right? no holds barred, right? i'm sorry, eliot.
He is a reader here. He wrote here... I wrote here, above.
ReplyDeleteThis was then. Now is... Now.
I am sitting in a car, in the rain, and she is all I can think about.