i'm not okay, i promise

I never thought I would cry when I first saw you again.
But I did. Unashamedly and without knowing why, I told everyone what our silence was about.
And I cannot stand this deafening silence, nor the sight of you, tearing the tangled sinews and veins ridden with blood red grief right out of me.
I wanted to fall down on my knees and scream at you, and beg whoever was listening for an answer.
Down on my knees on the broken brick road that led me nowhere,
the yellow stains on my finger nails spoke of the bad decisions I blamed on you.
I didn’t even know if it was tears or rain, but my knees were weak with walking, even when you held my hand.

So here we stand, miles apart. But I can smell your breath on me all the time,
And the cigarettes all taste like you.
Here we stand, between one end and whatever happens next.
Here we stand, not knowing how to step forward, wanting to fall backwards and float away into nothingness.
But maybe I would rather feel pain than to feel nothing at all, because to me the opposite of love was never hate, but indifference.
I stood in the rain and watched you leave under that wholly unromantic half moon, and I remembered everything.
I am yellow. I am branded a coward in my own eyes.
A streetcar named me Liar.

you can only take what you can carry

To me, you were the rainy days I loved so much.

To me, you were the weather that mirrored my insides.

To me, you were ten seconds older than what had just gone wrong.

To me, you were mere minutes of laughter that hurt my cheeks for days to come.

To me, you were a butterfly pulse next to mine.

To me, you were crooked teeth and a dusty moonlit mile.

Whether I was mountains or clouds, to me you were the endless road leading there.

To me, you were not right, nor wrong.

To me, you are blue and red.

i don't remember you looking any better

The glass shards of my thoughts flitted across my mind’s sky like broken blackbirds. I was dreaming about that dream. That dream I could feel happening as you pushed me against a wall and forced my desires wide open.

And then I lay, writhing, in front of those double doors. I wrote you my best lines each night, and never once stopped listening to you, even when I was dying. I was dying of the pain of wanting to speak, to scream, to push my mouth over yours so you would just shut up.

And now, on this double-digit day that belongs only to you, I remain locked in our dream. I am dancing in the rain with my dreamer. There is a red dress, and there is music. And somewhere in all of the confusion there is a maybe.